Obsession of the moment...

Magnolia's Cupcakes!

Sex is so much better in my twenties then it was ten years ago. Wish I could go back and give myself more confidence back then.

Obsession of the moment...

Central Park...I REALLY need to go more often..

today is the first day since saturday i am going to have some sanity. It was my sisters birthday so as a gift i took her kids for the weekend...and it was quite the handful. 5 children in all ages 4-13, really i feel bad for Tiff because she was the one that mainly did everything...i slept. alot.

We went to central park and had a picnic. Its the first time I've been there in about 10 years. it was very crowded and congested, but it was a saturday so that was to be expected, we also didnt go to deep in, we were lazy and picked the most convient spot. It was a nice time. My friend Donnell (who i will go into in another post) helped us out too. He brought soccer balls for them to play with and he played with them and let them beat him up. We rock climbed, and they put me on the tire swing and pushed me around about 100 times, and me and regine went up the slide and ran around a little. When we got back we made them dinner, and ATTEMPTED to put them to sleep. I dont think the ice cream cones helped much with that, but they did have fun eating them.

The rest of the weekend i pretty much slept through, that was the only day of the week i had been out. I still feel pretty shitty and depressed but im trying my best to make my way through it. Today i have to send in the letter to my potential future boss so she can "close my employment file" and i can see if i have a job or not. I really want it so bad, and im really nervous that i'm not going to get it. At this point if i dont get this job, i think im going to have a mental break down, its been about 8 interviews and still no job. Its tiring, and it really is a huge blow to my selfesteem.

I hope i get it so i can do more things with them, I know either way they just like spending time with me, but i want them to see the world...and it takea a lot of money to do it. especially 4 of them.

Obsession of the moment...

im on season 2, episode 6...about half way thru and i cant stop watching!

Obsession of the moment...

TURQUOISE TABLE LAMP!!!! ugh! i cant find a cute cheap one anywhere and its killin me! cheapest one i can find that i like is $200 bucks, and even if i DID have it im not spending that much... i might jus have to make one myself...shouldnt be too hard.

This ones about a guy...

Its always about a guy isnt it?

Everything else is so fucked up in my life, but the one thing that gets me out of bed in the morning is a guy. someone i will neither spend my life with, or die beside, but yet having him in my life seems so life or death. for this moment....and then eventually its on to another guy.

Its always the same routine...and just like my friends, im tired of hearing myself talk about it.

I wish i was strong enough to face the world alone, and stop needing someone to brighten my day for me, especially when the person cant even brighten their days for themselves. Bums who dont know whats good for them, who get joy out of seeing other people suffer...yes. THAT is exactly what i need in my life.

So lets see if i can describe him...

i will call him "Mr.Possibility"...26 years old, full time student, LES, lives with a roommate, has a babys moms and the more i type the more i realize i really dont know that much about him. The whole time me and him were actively seeing each other he never really asked me any questions about me, and i was too afraid to ask him any questions about him. I liked him TOO much and I was afraid i might seem too nosie. We drank, we smoked, we talked about music, and movies, mainly music, and we would have unbelievably passionate sex...and when we didnt do those thing we fought passionately, about him being a complete asshole. ignoring me. me showing up late, and then him withholding sex from me as a punishment....all the things you dream of.

The last straw for me was on the forth of july. I asked him what we were doing for the night and he snapped on me saying he will only respond to me when he feels like it, when he feels its appropriate. so i snapped on him called him a immature asshole and he basically told me to never hit him up again, which i did, until i realized i still need to give his roomate back his god of war game.

I admit, i would like to see him too... and a part of me is happy i still have the game. so i can kind of get closure, but im also really afraid. Afraid i may look into his eyes and see that he really is over me, or worse look into his eyes and realize im not really over him. Part of me wants to send someone with it so i wont have to face the awkwardness, and the other part of me wants to feel it. wants to feel that pain. i dont know why.

i want to get over this as soon as possible because i already feel me taking it out on other people, people who really dont deserve it.

some maybe crazy and do...but still it makes me feel bad possibly doing what he did to me to someone else.

Im still in love with him, at least 3/4th of my heart is. I kno its all chemistry and chemicals though because i have no clue what about him im in love with. first thing that comes to mind is his eyes...his big brown eyes...the second is his lips and how they perfectly melted into mine, and how i could feel his lip ring everytime we kissed...the way his eyes squint when he laughs or smiles...and how he doesnt say "Yeah" he says "Cheeaa"...his smile. period.

hmmm and the things i wont miss:

the way he made me feel really small. When i would try and tell him about the things i cared about how he showed no interest. Didn't ask about anything i wanted, or cared about or feared. How he shut down emotionally and didnt share anything emotional with me past the second date. How after the third date he didnt spend a dime on me anymore, and how i would go to spend time with him, and all his friends would be there and wouldnt leave until 4am, then his roomate would come home and we werent able to have sex until he left in the morning. How he refused to come uptown, despite the fact i live alone. The fact that he only slept over once. The fact that he never called me. How he got me to sleep with him the first time by telling me "Why wait? we already know were gonna be together" and how he introduced me to his roommate as his future wife but soon after gave me the hole "i don't believe in monogamy" speech. How he didn't like my cat. or my friends...or my food, or my taste in design.

hmmm i think after writing all of this im down to 1/6 in love...and only because of purely physical things. So im not sure if that counts at all. Bottom line is, im not gonna stress him, at the end of the day he only hurt me, and didnt help me in anyway.

I could tell by the distance of all his friends and his roommates i wasn't the first one. They were afraid to get to really know me because they knew i wouldn't be around for long...and that they're were others just like me.

the way he never wanted to do anything i wanted to do, or watch anything i wanted to watch, and played stupid rap songs all night, and put me to sleep. or how he ignored me all night and jus was in his own world.

i wont miss any of that, and i cant wait to give him back that stupid fuckin game which i didnt even finish anyway.